I’ve been laying low with the valuable information pero IT’S TIIIIIIiiiiiiiIIiIiIIIMMMMmmmmeeEEE!!!Let’s dissect and dump what’s been rotting my brain lately….
~ OUR HOUSEHOLD MONTH-LONG BINGE OF THE SOPRANOS ~
We (aka Mike and I) (aka Crumbbutt Offices) survived scumbag central, seasons 1 through 6 of The Sopranos. Prepare yourself. I’m about to say something not so groundbreaking. The show is one of the greatest – so0o damn good.
It’s perfect because all the characters in the Sopranos’ orbit including themselves, are trash iscell. Absolutely lowdown and complicated shitty people voluntarily tethered to a violent subculture…what’s not to love? Tony and Carmela’s toxicity is at the forefront but I don’t feel like sinking my teeth into the expected right now. Iconic boneheads nonetheless. Square French manicures, capris and cold cuts aside, it really makes me wonder…who is the worst of the worst? Who is the biggest scumbag in the series?
I dusted off my lil character rubric, strapped on a Pharrell-size thinking cap and got to work. This is the shit that keeps me up at night. The mental ranking and reranking. Whatever. Here’s the rubric criteria = self-monitoring, ruthlessness, evolution and ~ vibes ~ <3 So, who sucks thee most? Drum roll PUH-LEASE….
The answer is Ralphie Cifaretto!!!! The erratic 69-god with an interesting bobiana. Self-monitoring score…in the friggin dumpster. A negative 69! Ralph recognizes he’s a top earner so he lets his slick mouth fly without any promise of ever shutting the fuck up. Um, he killed a pregnant stripper, basically his stepson and like a horse. Next, his abusive kinky relationship with Janice Soprano throws any chance of evolution or redemption out of the window. And lastly, vibes? Just all around funky woman-hater who thinks he can ball out of control. Ralphie in 4! Clean sweep. ‘Come on, a little fuckin defense, no?????’
The turtleneck is a joke.
Joe Pantoliano’s Ralphie haunts me and for that, he takes the cake. However, I like to show my work, below’s how I arrived at Ralph. Read it and weep. These 4 really brought the brooms out. Of course, Ralph exceeding all expectations.
Tons of embarrassing neck brace energy here, I know. Nothing too surprising though. The usual annoying ass suspects. With Ralphie out of the way – let’s slide over to our runner up.
Phil Leotardo, definition of doing too much. He spends twenty years in the can and comes out an absolute menace, committed to terrorizing the DiMeo/Soprano fams. And when Johnny Sack goes to jail and subsequently the hospital, Tony’s left to reason with Phil. It’s an impossible task because he’s pressed to avenge his brother’s death. The man’s Tony’s #1 headache beyond the feds. And in the end, Phil’s demise? Definitely the most satisfying.Seeeee ya!
Here’s a crossover that’s slightly alarming but emanates the same energy. Reminder: the image below is not of Frank Vincent (Phil Leotardo), Italian-American mob actor.This is Carl Radke, Summer House Bravolebrity and all-around romantic hazard.Something is strikingly similar between the two.
Aaaahhh, Christopher. The family flop. He’s a scorned junkie with Hollywood dreams. Loyal, reliable and kinda boring. Always left to clean up the mess – a tough balancing act with a heroin addiction. Crippling journey but who are you without the drugs, boy boy?
He couldn’t quite figure it out for himself, leaving his surrounding family to pick up his pieces. Cleaver’s EP had a baby girl and still couldn’t get his shit together. Great gowns, beautiful gowns (track suits) but what a really sad tale. Smh.
Rounding out this rubric…Janice Soprano – the selfish sister, Meadow and AJ’s tit-tatted zia. I’ll have you know that I understand that Zia means auntie in Italian because I watch RHONJ. Anyway, Tony harbors great resentment toward Janice for dipping out on their family to chase her own spiritual awakening as Parvati, leaving Tony with their toxic mom.
She eventually pops Richie Aprile, a homophobic loose canon, steals a Russian housekeeper’s prosthetic leg in exchange for her dead mother’s vinyls, becomes a born-again Christian singer, has an affair with Ralphie, moves in on Bobby Bacala and torments his kids after their mother’s unexpected passing. The lady’s a thirsty demon who of course, slithers her way into a neck brace. Tony can not bear to see her feign happiness because he knows at her core, miss mamas is arguably more miserable than him. We must applaudbecause at the end of the day…
This show changed my life. There was my world before watching The Sopranos and there’s my world now. The finale is polarizing; I thought it was perfect. Six seasons of poor decision makinghas made ME a better woman, baby.
Between Katt Williams’ visit to Club Shay Shay and the RHOSLC S4 finale, I’ve been foaming at the mouth. I’m overjoyed and overwhelmed by the drama. Feeling well fed. Valuable Information #3 is all about the latest RHOSLC finale. For non-Bravo heads, think of this read as an opportunity to immerse yourself in a new culture. It’s like social studies but better…herstory!
The women of Salt Lake delivered. While we’re perched awaiting Tuesday’s Reunion Pt.1 treat, here’s a finale refresher and my cute 2 cents. Let us not lose sight of the episode’s facts and fillings.
“People are always talking but what happens when the talk isn’t cheap and it is…what it is?…?..?” – Tokyo Toni
S4,EP16: Hallelujah! Thankfully, the Heather and Whitney beef is seemingly squashed, with not one blurred nipple in sight. These play cousins are always doing thee most and I’ve reached my limit with the back and forth. I don’t think it was Heather’s intention to ever exploit her cousin’s coochie. In my eyes, Whitney was reaching but those are her fillings and she’s allowed to express them. It’s BEEN time to unite! My huge takeaway from their Bad Mormon book debacle? OMG….Why were boudoir photoshoots such thing in the early 2010s???~ I had an intense flashback to the soundtrack of Rihanna and Britney’s S & M remix and began free associating…..
A vision of the past. The Jeffrey Campbell Lita boots…The Obamas…..Rihanna with red hair….Instagram’s Valencia filter…..Justin dating Selenerrrr….and BOUDOIR photoshoots! What a time to be alive.
Back to the SLC finale. Let’s shop til our jaws drop! On mopeds, the Housewives hit Bermuda’s colorful shopping scene, spotting shady goats along the way. During the shopping sprees, Heather and Angie realize they left their credit cards back at the vacation home. Monica disrupts their discomfort, offering to pick up the $725 bill. What the fuck is Heather going to do without her shipwrecked scent???? The initial transaction declines. Let me tell you something. My heart was racing. Anxiety through the roof.
One time, my card was declined when I was purchasing a blazer at H&M in Tysons Corner in Virginia. Instantaneously, I received a text alert to verify the buy but I was like DAMNNNNNNN. Not Bank of America asking, this you? Who knew NJ<—>Virginia was foreign? Whatever. It was resolved in two seconds. Bank security is a great thing but will have you sweating when it comes to a fraud alert.Oop!So, Monica confirms with her bank to allow international transactions and secures the perfumes. All is good in Bermuda.
That is until, the meteorite hits aka the dramatic footage of Heather getting THEE devastating call. Outside of Heather’s room, there’s a cameraperson standing near the stairwell banister with their camera – distant, on the floor. Teal shoes’ ankles were RELAXED.
We must thank the production militants for their service. Sir LAUNCHED into action, grabbing his camera with a swiftness and a producer nudges crew to just go in. Meanwhile, Heather is ‘freaking the fuck out’ on her balcony. Despite the camera team’s best efforts, the Bad Mormon ousts their asses.
What is the mysterious bombshell??? Heather forewarns that the information she learned can change the friendships forever. After glam sessions and many deep breaths, the Bermuda Triangle themed dinner finally approaches. Beautiful tablescapes, by the way and even a callback to the creepy pioneer dolls! Now, it wouldn’t be a legendarical Housewives dinner without a chaotic game to ruin characters, friendships and appetites. Heather explains the lore of the Bermuda Triangle and offers the game of unsolved mysteries. She prompts the women to read the name of the doll/housewife at their own table setting and then ask that person to answer a mystery about their friendship. Whitney points out that Lisa called her dramatic despite her own dramatic yacht pop off. Lisa claimed they can both be dramatic because of course, two things can exist at the same time. Meredith wanted more support from Heather during this vacation. It’s a pathetic dog and pony show before Heather’s turn. Stepping to the plate, Heather dodges her doll named Meredith and pivots to Monica.
“Who is the real Monica?”, Heather asks. She reflects on when they met, how they bonded over being single moms and how she believed Monica to be a ‘truth teller’. She accuses Monica of being “someone who doesn’t really want to be our friend but someone who wants to profit from our lives and our pain”. Before she reveals Monica’s actual identity, there’s a look back at Whitney, Meredith, Lisa and Heather on the beach post-balcony meltdown. In the beachy Situation Room, Heather informs the squad that Monica is actually Reality Von Tease, an IG account originally dedicated to exposing Jen Shah but had since transitioned to slandering the rest of the group. Shook Ones, Part II. Collective outrage.
The Beauty Lab owner maps out how she lands on this discovery. Before Heather officially met Monica, she would hear of her through a mutual friend, Tenesha, who happens to be (or was?) Heather’s hairstylist. When they officially met, Heather began to clock how Monica was funnystyle with juicy information (i.e cheating husband rumors, SEC filings, etc). She was always hype for scandalous details. And then, right before takeoff to Bermuda, Heather went to grab a Beauty Lab gift card for Monica’s birthday present. Her business partner, Dre, found 3 different Monicas in the system, all different last names, all same birthday. One of those Monicas allegedly owes Beauty Lab lots of money.
The red flags surrounding the Monica v. Meredith DMs situation also got the wheels turning. The alleged timelines weren’t adding up to Heather. She even remembers Monica jokingly confessing to doing some petty shit like creating burner accounts to spread rumors.
We’re out of the deep fried Big Little Lies flashbacks and back at the dinner tables in triangle formation. The tension is thique as hell. Heather outs Monica as IG troll Reality Von Tease and flexes her ‘receipts, proof, timeline, screenshoots’ backup. Monica cracks, admitting that the accusation is not entirely true. The women are disgusted, so disgusted Whitney has to relocate her chair away from Monica.
Heather claims Monica sought out Jen Shah on social media and served as her blondie assistant under the name Monica Fowler. Per Meredith’s boutique security footage, Monica and her blonde hair were in the boutique when the clutch was stolen. Nancy Drew, remember the mystery of the stolen clutch? The footage counters Monica’s earlier claim that she had never been to Meredith’s shop. Lisa mentions Monica used to do drive bys past Jen Shah’s house. To which Monica calls her a dumb bitch. 2024 is an election year in Gag City. I’m not the only one on the ballot, I see.
In a confessional moment, Monica explains that Reality Von Tease isn’t just one person. She contributed to the blog in effort to take Jen Shah down and describes the other women as collateral damage. Yikes.
Greek Mafia Don chimes in with a melodious “shiiiiitttttt” to Monica’s dismay. The alleged Reality Von Tease threatens to showcase Angie K’s DMs in support of the scandalous blog. Tons of flames, 100 emojis and a sprinkle of Angie H shade. Ang picks up a bouquet centerpiece as if to beat Monica’s ass with it. Monica reminds her that she simply isn’t about that life with a ‘throw it’ dare. Angie and her shiny hair retreat while threatening to shove the flowers down Monica’s fucking throat. A very ‘GIRL WHAT???’ moment. I will say when Monica told Angie to go pay the IRS, Angie gagged her with the truth. “Bitch, I’m rich”.
Everyone’s voices are so raspy from the yelling. Monica maintains that Reality Von Tease was Tenesha’s account and her involvement was exclusively related to exposing Jen Shah. The women pressure her to own her actual involvement. Monica admits to recording Jen harassing the Shahsquad and posting the vids.
They’re somehow even more disgusted as if this was some smoking gun. Lisa doesn’t want someone in her posse to record her without her consent. In response to that ridiculous statement, Monica snaps – “You’re always so stupid. No, fuck you. You dumb old fucking piece of shit, leathery rubbery bitch, Donald Trump fan, shut the fuck up!”
The “fuck you, bitch” exchange STUNG. Lemon juice in thique paper cuts. Lisa wanted this girl gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monica lists names of people who also contributed to RVT. Not helpful. It’s super tense but 100% laughable. Heather shuts everyone up and goes on this rant about how Monica is unfamiliar with the group’s friendship dynamic, alluding to the Stockholm Syndrome inflicted by Jen Shah. “We are the type of girls that ride or die and each one of us at different times rode hard and we shut down feelings of doubt and things that didn’t fucking add up. Who you are made no sense but the way you acted was strangely familiar. And the pain that we went through and the way that we were tormented and tortured. I ate shit everyday for her. I felt like I had to lie to protect her. I did whatever it took. I went on book tour and defended her and took shit for the fact….that she gave me a black eye.”
Flash back to the vacation when Heather and Jen showed Meredith thee infamous shiner. Looking back, Jen was SUS as hell. Like she obviously drunkenly mink minked Heather. Why Heather would volunteer to protect her abuser, the same woman who was being accused of running a nationwide telemarketing scheme that targeted old people???? Is beyond me.
At dinner Heather carries on saying she had to ride hard for Jen and had to lie for her. I just don’t understand how that was required behavior…..but okay….Heather did not have to go so hard for the felon. That’s all I’m saying. Her loyalty was aggressive and unnecessary. Heather doesn’t want to do IT again with Monica and asks her to pack her bags and go. To my surprise, Monica obliges. In a final confessional moment, the newbie shares that there’s much more to the story.
Not sure if anyone else is watching Fargo S5 right now. Juno Temple plays a meek lil Minnesotan wife, Dot, who escapes the demonic wrath of patriot sheriff Roy Tillman, played by Jon Hamm. Without spoiling too much, there’s a strange medieval character in the mix responsible for eating the sins of the rich, absolving them of any wrongdoings and cursing the sin eater to a life of indignity. Interesting gig.
https://lousolversons.tumblr.com/
I’ve been drawing some interesting parallels between the sin eater and Heather Gay. The NYT bestselling author is telling us she was forced to put up with Jen’s antics. You’re not a martyr for staying loyal to the lady who now does jumping jacks with Elizabeth Holmes in federal prison. The lady who defrauded grandmas and poppops for millions. I have so many questions….Where was this smoke for Jen who was scamming, mink minking, throwing shoes overboard and pouring champagne on heads? How did all this information actually arise? Is Tenesha still on Heather’s payroll? Is Monica a whistleblower or really a vicious cyberstalker? Did Heather really eat like she thought she did? Time will tell but something about Heather producing this Reality Von Tease investigation seems suspicious to me. I’m watching this space!
If she’s ANYTHING like the sin eater for real, she’s coming to that reunion couch ready to CHEW.
“…And now understand, I’m not talking about one person; what I just told you applies to seven people…” – Katt Williams
Moments/things involving…well, stairs. No particular order. Just sharing what’s stowed away in my brain’s dusty ‘STAIRS’ file.
Here’s a pic of me at the St. Louis Arch from this past weekend. I’m laughing because Mike told me to ‘work for the camera’. Apparently, there’s steps within the arch and a gorg overlook. We didn’t venture in because we were, say it with me, sweaty! We had an amazing time celebrating the Patels in the land of Nelly.
SHALL WE BEGIN????
1.SUE SYLVESTER PUSHING A MAN DOWN TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS
With such force, unnecessary fortitude and hellish disgust, Sue had no business doing this on school grounds. Full battery…potentially attempted murder? Who knows? She’s a goated TV villain who gave a fraction of a fuck…earning this stairs moment a permanent parking spot in my noggin. If I ever experience a Gleek-jerk reaction to shove someone down two flights of steps, I hope to also be wearing an Adidas track suit. Obviously.
2. LADY MARMALADE x XTINA, P!NK, MYA, LIL KIM
Petition to replace the dead president faces of Mt. Rushmore to Christina Aguilera, P!nk, Mya and Lil Kim for their service aka this music video. Thank you Ms. Patti for inspiring an empowering quartet for the Moulin Rouge studio soundtrack. A little over 20 years ago, big-budget pop herstory was made. A couple things happened in 2001 that really shifted culture…this remix being one of the positive. Each songstress SLAYING their verse accompanied by those gorgeous red studded steps. What are these types of steps even called? Whatever. Everything about this delivers which is why this visual landed a spot. The cherry on top is when the girls come together for a maximum (5) eight counts and continue to chew…with those steps in the background, of course. Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh *Lil Kim voice*
3. THAT EPISODE OF SPONGEBOB: KRUSTY TOWERS
Often, I’m that ‘Like that peisode of Spongebob’ type friend….Here we go! Krusty Towers – a S4 banger where Mr. Krabs transforms the Krusty Krab into a hotel; restricting employees to the designated employee elevator which is actually just a nightmare staircase. Iconique.
4. MY LOVE IS LIKE…WO x MYA
We briefly touched on Mya’s talent earlier but let’s really get into it. Specifically, the 2003 Moodring single My Love is Like…Wo music video. As Youtube user @CN6659 commented, ‘Probably one of the best choreographed dance videos in modern history’……AND I COULDN’T AGREE MORE! This visual served…every single frame. She gave us sexy androgynous fashions while busting a move. From the wardrobe to the choreo, I can’t. Like wtf. And the transitions were slick. No wonder she took home the ’03 VMA for Best Dance Vid.
My favorite moments from the masterpiece? Well, to start, she’s smoking a cigar. Immediately setting a cool, mysterious tone. Our girl eventually throws a bottle of Belvedere at the camera and smashes a guitar. She gives us a 1, 2 while wearing a crisp white visor. And then…she does something so unexpected, so incredible, so impressive….She tap dances down dimly lit steps which eventually share her spotlight and thrusts herself into the tap solo of a lifetime. Yeah, there’s two massive chandeliers involved. Duh, there’s tearaway pants. And my god, there’s cane choreo. For me and my house, this song and video will always be celebrated. During my research, I learned Missy Elliot wrote it. And the Wo! Wo! Wo! Wo! we hear before Mya begins to tap dance is Missy.
5. ROCKY RUNNING UP THOSE STEPS IN PHILLY
I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to say this…legally. The sweat of it all. The underdog of it all. The opportunity to say Sylvester twice during this post. I don’t think I could mention stairs without including the Rocky training montage…legally.
6. WHEN DR.WENDY PULLED UP IN THE SRI LANKA AND SAUNTERED DOWN THE STAIRS AT THE WINE WITH WENDY(RHOP)
Was it a slither or a saunter? Leaning toward saunter but we’ll allow room for interpretation. On The Real Housewives of Potomac Season 5, Episode 14, Dr. Wendy Osefo hosts a women’s empowerment event called Wine with Wendy in collaboration with Black Girls Vote. At the shindig women from the political sphere, academia and the reality TV space all listen and uplift each other’s voices UNTIL Robyn arrives in a tweed blazer, debuting a new wig. The women hate it. But Robyn’s wig doesn’t quell the passion in the room. The Grande Dame is engaged in the dynamic conversation. Ashley is touting a Corona. Candiace is questioning if Robyn’s burgundy curly headtop is a bizarre disguise to throw off the IRS. All is right in the world UNTIL Dr. Wendy’s recollection of the drunken Newberg basement kiki resurfaces, thanks to the messy Green-Eyed Bandits. [For more context, earlier in the season, Monique Samuels organized a mini getaway for the ladies at her family’s lake house in Newberg, MD. There, gone off the Fireball, Kurn jokingly shared she wants her lick back for helping RayRay pay off whatever taxes he owed. Dr. Wendy became concerned by Karen’s confession and downloaded to Gizelle and Robyn. Big miss steak. Two eps after the lake house saga, Monique and Candi girl get into an intense physical altercation. The women took sides while Karen claimed to remain Switzerland. Flash forward, back to the Wine with Wendy event, Dr. Wendy saunters over to condemn Karen’s neutrality surrounding the drama; earning her descension a spot on the list…DUH.*A note from the Crumbbutt Offices: All Housewives clips are pulled using Quick Time Player which famously uses my Macbook’s internal mic to capture audio. That being said, any sounds of me sparking an alleged joint and allegedly smoking said joint are included for your listening pleasure.
7. STOOP KID’S AFRAID TO LEAVE HIS STOOP!
Stoops are famously steps. In the Hey Arnold! universe, the legend of Stoop Kid is unforgettable, not to mention sad acutally. We’re introduced in 1996 – season 1, episode 3. It’s how the bully got their scars. An interesting origin story. Me, personally, I was merely adopted by the stoop; Stoop Kid was born on it, moulded by it.
8. DESCENDING INTO THE PARTY: JLO x MAID IN MANHATTAN
It’s a tale as old as time. After you lie and then come clean about your identity, the penultimate level of bagging a senatorial candidate takes place at a hoity-toity din-din. So what do you do? Get the girlies together, borrow a pale pink strapless sweetheart freakum gown, rock a slick up-do, ensure your neck and ears are on froze and descend down those ballroom steps to cuff your Voldemort like the baddie you are. [Sidenote: Other baddie & senator relationships include: Rosario Dawson and Cory Booker (an actual NJ Senator), Angela Martin and The Senator (The Office).] Back to Jenny from the Block – I’ll never forget this rom-com moment of her bop bop bopping down those steps because she really had the room shook. Jaws floored. It was a grand entrance. Marissa Ventura was saying ‘fuck that housekeeping management job, fuck that hater ass head butler, Lionel…. I do it for love‘. She decided to stay the night in the senator’s hotel room. Queen. Of course she got fired but she got a new job and lived happily ever afterlike baddies typically do.
9. WHEN FRANK OCEAN RELEASED THE VISUAL ALBUM, ENDLESS
Pre-Blond, people all over (myself included) were on-edge (potentially shitting themselves) watching this man mysteriously build a spiral staircase. The new music supplemented the craftsmanship. It was art…Chile, I was confused but the payoff was angelic. I think I still have the Endless mp4 somewhere in my Google Drive. Frank covers The Isley Brothers’ (At Your Best) You Are Love; it’s beautiful.
10. HARRY POTTER LIVED UNDER THOSE STAIRS AND THEN POPPED OFF
What else is there to say? He got it out the mud.Also, his lil under the stairs unit…it’s giving $2k/month in NYC. Stop playing.
11. THE BRADY BUNCH STAIRS REMIND ME OF THE STAIRS AT MY FORMER ORTHODONTIST’S OFFICE IN RED BANK, NJ
I always thought the stairs in The Brady Bunch house were so cool. The dad was a friggin architect.They had a pretty sick living room/den area. Lots of drama took place on those highly recognizable steps……Now that I think about it, my old orthodontist’s office had stairs exactly like these. Who cares? Great question. ME! The Brady Bunch kids were silly and obviously part of a big blended family, like me! Whole crew was always posed up on the stairs. Let’s not even talk about the banger theme song??? Nick At Nite core memory unlocked. For curious minds, My Fair Brady is a reality series following Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) and Adrienne Curry, America’s Next Top Model S1 winner as their romance blossomed a year after their Surreal Life tenure. It was….interesting.A generous soul uploaded the pilot to YouTube. You’re welcome. The star-crossed lovers gave us 3 seasons and finalized their divorce in 2012.
12. OBSESSED STAIRCASE FIGHT SCENE: BEYONCE AND DERANGED LADY (ALI LARTER)
In this 2009 whirlwind of a psycho thriller, Beyonce is tasked with whooping this whacky bitch’s ass. For those unfamiliar…In Obsessed, husband and finance bro, Derek (DJ Idris Elba) gets a new temp working his desk, Lisa (Ali Larter). Lisa is obsoooooussed with this man, like turnt up Fatal Attraction style attempts to gain Derek’s affection. Lisa Lisa stalks him and his family, drugs him, sexually harasses him, threatens their baby and assaults his wife Sharon (Beyonce). COoL LaDy RiGht??! It ends with a badass banister fight scene after Beyonce discovers the delulu is in her own bedroom! Might I point out, Beyonce is wearing this cute vest, over a white v-neck, flattering jeans and naturally, high-heeled Missoni brown suede boots. It’s so 2009. It’s perfect. I feel like I had a Polyvore page mirroring this outfit. Back to the mink mink, the two go back and forth on the staircase. Derek calls the house mid fight and when Lisa answers, he knows Sharon must be in danger. Continuing the scrap, Lisa and Sharon migrate to the wobbly attic. And…uh oh…bye bye Lisa.
13. THE DIFF’RENT STROKES LUXURIOUS STAIRWELL
Another Nick At Nite titan. I vividly remember Arnold/Willis/Kimberly conflict unfolding beneath the luxe banister. Huge bonus: the theme song absolutely slid. I just found out Alan Thicke, Lost Without You’s daddy, sang the opening track. And after that, Blurred Lines’ mommy slid on the DS spinoff Facts of Life‘s theme song. The more you know. I just remember Diff’rent Strokes hitting issues like kidnapping, racism and drug use and hitting them HARD. Like Degrassi-grade intensity. If terrifying my lil me was the goal, the Diff’rent Strokes team overachieved. See below the clip from the episode where Kimberly and Arnold get deadass kidnapped. Again, Nick At Nite core memory unlocked.
14. PETER GRIFFIN CONSTANTLY FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS
Todd Phillips’ lil 2019 Jokercharacter study film allowed Joaquin to eat bon’ appetit…in the weirdest way. Not sure why I went to the movies alone for this one because I was freaked out. The experimental villain origin story shows the monotony of Arthur’s life as he questions his own punk ass reality and purpose. And once he feels grounded in his murderous freak identity, he takes to those BX stairs. These stairs became famous. They’re in the movie poster shot. They’re part of the renowned meme. Psycho clown behavior aka what Arthur does on the subway and finally to Murray (DeNiro) sets off the Gotham riots. Wtf, papa. Refresh your memory at your own risk.
16. STEP BY STEP x NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK
Wedding jam. I mainly came up with BSB and N*Sync but let’s not forget about some notable pop forefathers and their feathered hair. The song title speaks for itself. On another note, I recently popped into a karaoke bar in Williamsburg…to my great fortune, I witnessed a bartender Ben Bratt lookalike body Jordan’s solo hit. It was so funny. The bar was Chino Grande on Grand.
17. WHEN THE MONTEREY MAMI, BONNIE (ZOE KRAV), PUSHED PERRY (MR. SKARSGARD) DOWN THAT FLIGHT OF STEPS OUTSIDE OF THE COSTUME PARTY SCHOOL FUNDRAISER(BIG LIL LIES)
One of the most bugged out villains of all time, Perry Wright aka abusive husband to Celeste (Nicole Kidman) and of course, Jane’s (Shailene Woodley) rapist. Just all around asshole scum. In the season 1 finale, amid a brutal fight outside of a school fundraiser, Zoe Kravitz’s character, Bonnie, knocks his Elvis cosplaying ass down a flight of stairs. He falls to his death. And that’s how you clear a bitch.
18. J.LO, THE HUMAN STAIRCASE AND LOUBOUTINS
My mom and I definitely watched this Loubitins boxing-themed American Music Awards performance live. There’s a genuine wow moment during the number where the dancers become a human stair case for Jennifer to climb. Once at the top, my titi jumps down off a dude’s back, falls and immediately gets back into choreo. Questioned my own eyes but it’s fly girl instinct. Keep your eyes peeled around the 3:00 min mark.
19. HOME ALONE’S WET BANDITS x SLIPPERY STEPS
Probably my favorite holiday movie, Home Alone. A classic. If you’re interested in director’s notes and fun facts, there’s a series on Netflix called The Movies That Made Us. It highlights how production clinched the score, deets about the fake Chicago snow and how the Wet Bandit stuntmen were balls to the wall. Can’t wait to gather around this Christmas and rewatch Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern fall victim to icy staircases and Kevvvvvviiiiiiiin’s booby traps.
Mayor Bowser declared The Exorcist steps a D.C landmark. I declare the steps a symbol of escaping D.C traffic. Dipping out of Georgetown onto Canal Rd NW to Clara Barton Parkway nearly requires an exorcist. Navigating D.C traffic can feel like a demonic possession but I love it there. In 2015, local film fans raised close to $7,000 to officially commemorate the tourist attraction where Father Damien Karras took a tumble down the steep concrete bad boys in effort to oust the devil up outta him.
22. WANNABE x SPICE GIRLS
All one really wants in life is to slam their body down and wind it all around. And to ultimately what? ZIGAZIG AH! Happy we’re all in agreement. I was and am Scary Spice. This video? Five words. Green- Tank Top-Body Roll. The good good girls tell you what they really really want on the steps. They give you footwork on the stairs before the sporty Mel pops it. I can’t tell you how many times I watched Spice World as a kid. CINEMA! Growing up, I was addicted to going to Krenkel’s after church on the weekends and buying Spice Girl lollipops, all of which came with collectible stickers that I would slap into my official Spice Girls sticker book.
If you made it to the end of this list, congratulations!And love you! I think we care about the same things.
I’m Miranda, one of the most annoying but gorgeous people to walk this Earth. This blog is a mix of food talk, Real Housewives thoughts and naturally, unsolicited life updates. Truly a nightmare of a diary. Some say, “so daunting, it’s haunting.’’ Anyhoot, welcome to Valuable Information.
I’m pretty numb from writing half-ass cover letters and haphazardly LinkedIn Easy Applying to jobs that I would hate. So, I thought resurrecting this blog in the wake of the unavoidable WGA/SAG strikes would be a better investment of my time. Two months, three weeks and two day of funemployment for me thus far. Studio greed is just absurd — I actually don’t even want to talk about it anymore.
PIVOTING TO LIGHTER THINGS!!!!
Here’s A List of Shit That Made Me Happy Recently:
The premiere of RHONY S14. Honestly, the savage in me has been salivating for new lite-drama. Special thanks to the new cast, refreshing story lines and of course, Andy Cohen for delivering the juiciness. Episode 1 is a great high-level intro to the new crew’s delusion. Pero, real quick: (This first episode is so rejuvenating compared to the exhausting family dramas of RHONJ and RHOBH. Recent RHOP plots were midiana because they were either painfully manufactured or 1st Team All American Silly Billy. RHOA was entertaining….and RHOSLC briefly carried. To be honest, I haven’t checked in on RHOC but I hear Ms. Tamra is activated so that will soon change.) Back to me point, the new Big Apple cast immediately dives into the cheesy drama about who allegedly hates cheese, Catch’s exponential tacky factor and the betrayal of a Casa Cipriani IG post. Listen, we all know Housewifery is a balanced cocktail of confidence, swagger and delusion and I fear the ladies chewed. Don’t want to speak too soon though. Watching this space!!!!
These pancakes from Chez Ma Tante in Greenpoint. Look at them. A handsome stack of syrupy fluff and crunch. They glistened. Further explanation isn’t really necessary. Honorable mention: The falafel. I would definitely snag a brunch reservation if in the area.
Finally got a physical BK library card. Disappointed in myself for not obtaining it sooner but we’re here now! I told myself that I’d run through my unread books (that I already own) like the Tomb Raider, delaying my need for an actual library card. However, the ‘The Book of Hov’, a new exhibit celebrating Jay-Z’s career in BPL, got my ass down there immediately. I even received a limited edition Jay-Z library card. There’s a variety of album covers as collectible cards. I’m going to put this one in a shadow box frame, hang it up and potentially collect more. *Since we gotta be here, life is but a beach chair…* Anyhoot, I picked up My Darkest Prayer by S.A Cosby. It’s a Southern noir crime fiction. The author’s latest, All The Sinners Bleed, was recently reviewed by Stephen King for the NYT. Apparently, it goes bonkers. Excited to eventually check it out with my new library card.
Mike and I made this super simple, sweet Summer treat. It requires just a few ingredients. 1.) Make homemade whipped cream (In a chilled bowl, with a chilled whisk, add heavy whipping cream, some powdered sugar and a lil vanilla extract – whip to stiffish peaks) 2.) Microplane a frozen orange atop the fresh whipped cream. 3.) Drizzle some extra virgin olive oil on top of your citrus dairy mountain. 4.) Sprinkle a likkle Maldon flaky salt. There are zero measurements involved because that’s up to your heart’s desire. You’re good to go. Sometimes, when we craft a treat this delicious, it feels like I should fork over a minimum of $54 to SOMEBODY. Thankfully, that is not required.
And scene! I think that about concludes the happiness shoutouts. Incredibly honorable brilliant mentions: my first Boiler Room experience at The Brooklyn Mirage, checking out Brandon Wardell’s latest hour at The Bell House, seeing Pat Regan at The Bell House and borderline cyber-stalking the woman who goes on TikTok live during her Soho in-studio Tracy Anderson classes. Thank you for your service!
Until next time, enjoy this meme I created to appropriately translate my agony.
