Between Katt Williams’ visit to Club Shay Shay and the RHOSLC S4 finale, I’ve been foaming at the mouth. I’m overjoyed and overwhelmed by the drama. Feeling well fed. Valuable Information #3 is all about the latest RHOSLC finale. For non-Bravo heads, think of this read as an opportunity to immerse yourself in a new culture. It’s like social studies but better…herstory!
The women of Salt Lake delivered. While we’re perched awaiting Tuesday’s Reunion Pt.1 treat, here’s a finale refresher and my cute 2 cents. Let us not lose sight of the episode’s facts and fillings.
“People are always talking but what happens when the talk isn’t cheap and it is…what it is?…?..?” – Tokyo Toni
S4,EP16: Hallelujah! Thankfully, the Heather and Whitney beef is seemingly squashed, with not one blurred nipple in sight. These play cousins are always doing thee most and I’ve reached my limit with the back and forth. I don’t think it was Heather’s intention to ever exploit her cousin’s coochie. In my eyes, Whitney was reaching but those are her fillings and she’s allowed to express them. It’s BEEN time to unite! My huge takeaway from their Bad Mormon book debacle? OMG….Why were boudoir photoshoots such thing in the early 2010s???~ I had an intense flashback to the soundtrack of Rihanna and Britney’s S & M remix and began free associating…..
A vision of the past. The Jeffrey Campbell Lita boots…The Obamas…..Rihanna with red hair….Instagram’s Valencia filter…..Justin dating Selenerrrr….and BOUDOIR photoshoots! What a time to be alive.
Back to the SLC finale. Let’s shop til our jaws drop! On mopeds, the Housewives hit Bermuda’s colorful shopping scene, spotting shady goats along the way. During the shopping sprees, Heather and Angie realize they left their credit cards back at the vacation home. Monica disrupts their discomfort, offering to pick up the $725 bill. What the fuck is Heather going to do without her shipwrecked scent???? The initial transaction declines. Let me tell you something. My heart was racing. Anxiety through the roof.
One time, my card was declined when I was purchasing a blazer at H&M in Tysons Corner in Virginia. Instantaneously, I received a text alert to verify the buy but I was like DAMNNNNNNN. Not Bank of America asking, this you? Who knew NJ<—>Virginia was foreign? Whatever. It was resolved in two seconds. Bank security is a great thing but will have you sweating when it comes to a fraud alert. Oop! So, Monica confirms with her bank to allow international transactions and secures the perfumes. All is good in Bermuda.
That is until, the meteorite hits aka the dramatic footage of Heather getting THEE devastating call. Outside of Heather’s room, there’s a cameraperson standing near the stairwell banister with their camera – distant, on the floor. Teal shoes’ ankles were RELAXED.
We must thank the production militants for their service. Sir LAUNCHED into action, grabbing his camera with a swiftness and a producer nudges crew to just go in. Meanwhile, Heather is ‘freaking the fuck out’ on her balcony. Despite the camera team’s best efforts, the Bad Mormon ousts their asses.
What is the mysterious bombshell??? Heather forewarns that the information she learned can change the friendships forever. After glam sessions and many deep breaths, the Bermuda Triangle themed dinner finally approaches. Beautiful tablescapes, by the way and even a callback to the creepy pioneer dolls! Now, it wouldn’t be a legendarical Housewives dinner without a chaotic game to ruin characters, friendships and appetites. Heather explains the lore of the Bermuda Triangle and offers the game of unsolved mysteries. She prompts the women to read the name of the doll/housewife at their own table setting and then ask that person to answer a mystery about their friendship. Whitney points out that Lisa called her dramatic despite her own dramatic yacht pop off. Lisa claimed they can both be dramatic because of course, two things can exist at the same time. Meredith wanted more support from Heather during this vacation. It’s a pathetic dog and pony show before Heather’s turn. Stepping to the plate, Heather dodges her doll named Meredith and pivots to Monica.
“Who is the real Monica?”, Heather asks. She reflects on when they met, how they bonded over being single moms and how she believed Monica to be a ‘truth teller’. She accuses Monica of being “someone who doesn’t really want to be our friend but someone who wants to profit from our lives and our pain”. Before she reveals Monica’s actual identity, there’s a look back at Whitney, Meredith, Lisa and Heather on the beach post-balcony meltdown. In the beachy Situation Room, Heather informs the squad that Monica is actually Reality Von Tease, an IG account originally dedicated to exposing Jen Shah but had since transitioned to slandering the rest of the group. Shook Ones, Part II. Collective outrage.
The Beauty Lab owner maps out how she lands on this discovery. Before Heather officially met Monica, she would hear of her through a mutual friend, Tenesha, who happens to be (or was?) Heather’s hairstylist. When they officially met, Heather began to clock how Monica was funnystyle with juicy information (i.e cheating husband rumors, SEC filings, etc). She was always hype for scandalous details. And then, right before takeoff to Bermuda, Heather went to grab a Beauty Lab gift card for Monica’s birthday present. Her business partner, Dre, found 3 different Monicas in the system, all different last names, all same birthday. One of those Monicas allegedly owes Beauty Lab lots of money.
The red flags surrounding the Monica v. Meredith DMs situation also got the wheels turning. The alleged timelines weren’t adding up to Heather. She even remembers Monica jokingly confessing to doing some petty shit like creating burner accounts to spread rumors.
Finally, Heather reaches out to Tenesha who came clean and shared screenshot proof with her. Wanting to confirm before confronting, Heather solicited a private investigator who eventually delivered the fateful news – the phone call that had her trembling earlier.
We’re out of the deep fried Big Little Lies flashbacks and back at the dinner tables in triangle formation. The tension is thique as hell. Heather outs Monica as IG troll Reality Von Tease and flexes her ‘receipts, proof, timeline, screenshoots’ backup. Monica cracks, admitting that the accusation is not entirely true. The women are disgusted, so disgusted Whitney has to relocate her chair away from Monica.
Heather claims Monica sought out Jen Shah on social media and served as her blondie assistant under the name Monica Fowler. Per Meredith’s boutique security footage, Monica and her blonde hair were in the boutique when the clutch was stolen. Nancy Drew, remember the mystery of the stolen clutch? The footage counters Monica’s earlier claim that she had never been to Meredith’s shop. Lisa mentions Monica used to do drive bys past Jen Shah’s house. To which Monica calls her a dumb bitch. 2024 is an election year in Gag City. I’m not the only one on the ballot, I see.
In a confessional moment, Monica explains that Reality Von Tease isn’t just one person. She contributed to the blog in effort to take Jen Shah down and describes the other women as collateral damage. Yikes.
Greek Mafia Don chimes in with a melodious “shiiiiitttttt” to Monica’s dismay. The alleged Reality Von Tease threatens to showcase Angie K’s DMs in support of the scandalous blog. Tons of flames, 100 emojis and a sprinkle of Angie H shade. Ang picks up a bouquet centerpiece as if to beat Monica’s ass with it. Monica reminds her that she simply isn’t about that life with a ‘throw it’ dare. Angie and her shiny hair retreat while threatening to shove the flowers down Monica’s fucking throat. A very ‘GIRL WHAT???’ moment. I will say when Monica told Angie to go pay the IRS, Angie gagged her with the truth. “Bitch, I’m rich”.
Everyone’s voices are so raspy from the yelling. Monica maintains that Reality Von Tease was Tenesha’s account and her involvement was exclusively related to exposing Jen Shah. The women pressure her to own her actual involvement. Monica admits to recording Jen harassing the Shahsquad and posting the vids.
They’re somehow even more disgusted as if this was some smoking gun. Lisa doesn’t want someone in her posse to record her without her consent. In response to that ridiculous statement, Monica snaps – “You’re always so stupid. No, fuck you. You dumb old fucking piece of shit, leathery rubbery bitch, Donald Trump fan, shut the fuck up!”
The “fuck you, bitch” exchange STUNG. Lemon juice in thique paper cuts. Lisa wanted this girl gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monica lists names of people who also contributed to RVT. Not helpful. It’s super tense but 100% laughable. Heather shuts everyone up and goes on this rant about how Monica is unfamiliar with the group’s friendship dynamic, alluding to the Stockholm Syndrome inflicted by Jen Shah. “We are the type of girls that ride or die and each one of us at different times rode hard and we shut down feelings of doubt and things that didn’t fucking add up. Who you are made no sense but the way you acted was strangely familiar. And the pain that we went through and the way that we were tormented and tortured. I ate shit everyday for her. I felt like I had to lie to protect her. I did whatever it took. I went on book tour and defended her and took shit for the fact….that she gave me a black eye.”
Flash back to the vacation when Heather and Jen showed Meredith thee infamous shiner. Looking back, Jen was SUS as hell. Like she obviously drunkenly mink minked Heather. Why Heather would volunteer to protect her abuser, the same woman who was being accused of running a nationwide telemarketing scheme that targeted old people???? Is beyond me.
At dinner Heather carries on saying she had to ride hard for Jen and had to lie for her. I just don’t understand how that was required behavior…..but okay….Heather did not have to go so hard for the felon. That’s all I’m saying. Her loyalty was aggressive and unnecessary. Heather doesn’t want to do IT again with Monica and asks her to pack her bags and go. To my surprise, Monica obliges. In a final confessional moment, the newbie shares that there’s much more to the story.
Not sure if anyone else is watching Fargo S5 right now. Juno Temple plays a meek lil Minnesotan wife, Dot, who escapes the demonic wrath of patriot sheriff Roy Tillman, played by Jon Hamm. Without spoiling too much, there’s a strange medieval character in the mix responsible for eating the sins of the rich, absolving them of any wrongdoings and cursing the sin eater to a life of indignity. Interesting gig.
I’ve been drawing some interesting parallels between the sin eater and Heather Gay. The NYT bestselling author is telling us she was forced to put up with Jen’s antics. You’re not a martyr for staying loyal to the lady who now does jumping jacks with Elizabeth Holmes in federal prison. The lady who defrauded grandmas and poppops for millions. I have so many questions….Where was this smoke for Jen who was scamming, mink minking, throwing shoes overboard and pouring champagne on heads? How did all this information actually arise? Is Tenesha still on Heather’s payroll? Is Monica a whistleblower or really a vicious cyberstalker? Did Heather really eat like she thought she did? Time will tell but something about Heather producing this Reality Von Tease investigation seems suspicious to me. I’m watching this space!
If she’s ANYTHING like the sin eater for real, she’s coming to that reunion couch ready to CHEW.
“…And now understand, I’m not talking about one person; what I just told you applies to seven people…” – Katt Williams
