Moments/things involving…well, stairs. No particular order. Just sharing what’s stowed away in my brain’s dusty ‘STAIRS’ file.
SHALL WE BEGIN????
1. SUE SYLVESTER PUSHING A MAN DOWN TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS
With such force, unnecessary fortitude and hellish disgust, Sue had no business doing this on school grounds. Full battery…potentially attempted murder? Who knows? She’s a goated TV villain who gave a fraction of a fuck…earning this stairs moment a permanent parking spot in my noggin. If I ever experience a Gleek-jerk reaction to shove someone down two flights of steps, I hope to also be wearing an Adidas track suit. Obviously.
2. LADY MARMALADE x XTINA, P!NK, MYA, LIL KIM
Petition to replace the dead president faces of Mt. Rushmore to Christina Aguilera, P!nk, Mya and Lil Kim for their service aka this music video. Thank you Ms. Patti for inspiring an empowering quartet for the Moulin Rouge studio soundtrack. A little over 20 years ago, big-budget pop herstory was made. A couple things happened in 2001 that really shifted culture…this remix being one of the positive. Each songstress SLAYING their verse accompanied by those gorgeous red studded steps. What are these types of steps even called? Whatever. Everything about this delivers which is why this visual landed a spot. The cherry on top is when the girls come together for a maximum (5) eight counts and continue to chew…with those steps in the background, of course. Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh *Lil Kim voice*
3. THAT EPISODE OF SPONGEBOB: KRUSTY TOWERS
Often, I’m that ‘Like that peisode of Spongebob’ type friend….Here we go! Krusty Towers – a S4 banger where Mr. Krabs transforms the Krusty Krab into a hotel; restricting employees to the designated employee elevator which is actually just a nightmare staircase. Iconique.
4. MY LOVE IS LIKE…WO x MYA
We briefly touched on Mya’s talent earlier but let’s really get into it. Specifically, the 2003 Moodring single My Love is Like…Wo music video. As Youtube user @CN6659 commented, ‘Probably one of the best choreographed dance videos in modern history’……AND I COULDN’T AGREE MORE! This visual served…every single frame. She gave us sexy androgynous fashions while busting a move. From the wardrobe to the choreo, I can’t. Like wtf. And the transitions were slick. No wonder she took home the ’03 VMA for Best Dance Vid.
My favorite moments from the masterpiece? Well, to start, she’s smoking a cigar. Immediately setting a cool, mysterious tone. Our girl eventually throws a bottle of Belvedere at the camera and smashes a guitar. She gives us a 1, 2 while wearing a crisp white visor. And then…she does something so unexpected, so incredible, so impressive….She tap dances down dimly lit steps which eventually share her spotlight and thrusts herself into the tap solo of a lifetime. Yeah, there’s two massive chandeliers involved. Duh, there’s tearaway pants. And my god, there’s cane choreo. For me and my house, this song and video will always be celebrated. During my research, I learned Missy Elliot wrote it. And the Wo! Wo! Wo! Wo! we hear before Mya begins to tap dance is Missy.
5. ROCKY RUNNING UP THOSE STEPS IN PHILLY
I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to say this…legally. The sweat of it all. The underdog of it all. The opportunity to say Sylvester twice during this post. I don’t think I could mention stairs without including the Rocky training montage…legally.
6. WHEN DR.WENDY PULLED UP IN THE SRI LANKA AND SAUNTERED DOWN THE STAIRS AT THE WINE WITH WENDY (RHOP)
Was it a slither or a saunter? Leaning toward saunter but we’ll allow room for interpretation. On The Real Housewives of Potomac Season 5, Episode 14, Dr. Wendy Osefo hosts a women’s empowerment event called Wine with Wendy in collaboration with Black Girls Vote. At the shindig women from the political sphere, academia and the reality TV space all listen and uplift each other’s voices UNTIL Robyn arrives in a tweed blazer, debuting a new wig. The women hate it. But Robyn’s wig doesn’t quell the passion in the room. The Grande Dame is engaged in the dynamic conversation. Ashley is touting a Corona. Candiace is questioning if Robyn’s burgundy curly headtop is a bizarre disguise to throw off the IRS. All is right in the world UNTIL Dr. Wendy’s recollection of the drunken Newberg basement kiki resurfaces, thanks to the messy Green-Eyed Bandits. [For more context, earlier in the season, Monique Samuels organized a mini getaway for the ladies at her family’s lake house in Newberg, MD. There, gone off the Fireball, Kurn jokingly shared she wants her lick back for helping RayRay pay off whatever taxes he owed. Dr. Wendy became concerned by Karen’s confession and downloaded to Gizelle and Robyn. Big miss steak. Two eps after the lake house saga, Monique and Candi girl get into an intense physical altercation. The women took sides while Karen claimed to remain Switzerland. Flash forward, back to the Wine with Wendy event, Dr. Wendy saunters over to condemn Karen’s neutrality surrounding the drama; earning her descension a spot on the list…DUH. *A note from the Crumbbutt Offices: All Housewives clips are pulled using Quick Time Player which famously uses my Macbook’s internal mic to capture audio. That being said, any sounds of me sparking an alleged joint and allegedly smoking said joint are included for your listening pleasure.
7. STOOP KID’S AFRAID TO LEAVE HIS STOOP!
Stoops are famously steps. In the Hey Arnold! universe, the legend of Stoop Kid is unforgettable, not to mention sad acutally. We’re introduced in 1996 – season 1, episode 3. It’s how the bully got their scars. An interesting origin story. Me, personally, I was merely adopted by the stoop; Stoop Kid was born on it, moulded by it.
8. DESCENDING INTO THE PARTY: JLO x MAID IN MANHATTAN
It’s a tale as old as time. After you lie and then come clean about your identity, the penultimate level of bagging a senatorial candidate takes place at a hoity-toity din-din. So what do you do? Get the girlies together, borrow a pale pink strapless sweetheart freakum gown, rock a slick up-do, ensure your neck and ears are on froze and descend down those ballroom steps to cuff your Voldemort like the baddie you are. [Sidenote: Other baddie & senator relationships include: Rosario Dawson and Cory Booker (an actual NJ Senator), Angela Martin and The Senator (The Office).] Back to Jenny from the Block – I’ll never forget this rom-com moment of her bop bop bopping down those steps because she really had the room shook. Jaws floored. It was a grand entrance. Marissa Ventura was saying ‘fuck that housekeeping management job, fuck that hater ass head butler, Lionel…. I do it for love‘. She decided to stay the night in the senator’s hotel room. Queen. Of course she got fired but she got a new job and lived happily ever after like baddies typically do.
9. WHEN FRANK OCEAN RELEASED THE VISUAL ALBUM, ENDLESS
Pre-Blond, people all over (myself included) were on-edge (potentially shitting themselves) watching this man mysteriously build a spiral staircase. The new music supplemented the craftsmanship. It was art…Chile, I was confused but the payoff was angelic. I think I still have the Endless mp4 somewhere in my Google Drive. Frank covers The Isley Brothers’ (At Your Best) You Are Love; it’s beautiful.
10. HARRY POTTER LIVED UNDER THOSE STAIRS AND THEN POPPED OFF
What else is there to say? He got it out the mud. Also, his lil under the stairs unit…it’s giving $2k/month in NYC. Stop playing.
11. THE BRADY BUNCH STAIRS REMIND ME OF THE STAIRS AT MY FORMER ORTHODONTIST’S OFFICE IN RED BANK, NJ
I always thought the stairs in The Brady Bunch house were so cool. The dad was a friggin architect. They had a pretty sick living room/den area. Lots of drama took place on those highly recognizable steps……Now that I think about it, my old orthodontist’s office had stairs exactly like these. Who cares? Great question. ME! The Brady Bunch kids were silly and obviously part of a big blended family, like me! Whole crew was always posed up on the stairs. Let’s not even talk about the banger theme song??? Nick At Nite core memory unlocked. For curious minds, My Fair Brady is a reality series following Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) and Adrienne Curry, America’s Next Top Model S1 winner as their romance blossomed a year after their Surreal Life tenure. It was….interesting. A generous soul uploaded the pilot to YouTube. You’re welcome. The star-crossed lovers gave us 3 seasons and finalized their divorce in 2012.
12. OBSESSED STAIRCASE FIGHT SCENE: BEYONCE AND DERANGED LADY (ALI LARTER)
In this 2009 whirlwind of a psycho thriller, Beyonce is tasked with whooping this whacky bitch’s ass. For those unfamiliar…In Obsessed, husband and finance bro, Derek (DJ Idris Elba) gets a new temp working his desk, Lisa (Ali Larter). Lisa is obsoooooussed with this man, like turnt up Fatal Attraction style attempts to gain Derek’s affection. Lisa Lisa stalks him and his family, drugs him, sexually harasses him, threatens their baby and assaults his wife Sharon (Beyonce). COoL LaDy RiGht??! It ends with a badass banister fight scene after Beyonce discovers the delulu is in her own bedroom! Might I point out, Beyonce is wearing this cute vest, over a white v-neck, flattering jeans and naturally, high-heeled Missoni brown suede boots. It’s so 2009. It’s perfect. I feel like I had a Polyvore page mirroring this outfit. Back to the mink mink, the two go back and forth on the staircase. Derek calls the house mid fight and when Lisa answers, he knows Sharon must be in danger. Continuing the scrap, Lisa and Sharon migrate to the wobbly attic. And…uh oh…bye bye Lisa.
13. THE DIFF’RENT STROKES LUXURIOUS STAIRWELL
Another Nick At Nite titan. I vividly remember Arnold/Willis/Kimberly conflict unfolding beneath the luxe banister. Huge bonus: the theme song absolutely slid. I just found out Alan Thicke, Lost Without You’s daddy, sang the opening track. And after that, Blurred Lines’ mommy slid on the DS spinoff Facts of Life‘s theme song. The more you know. I just remember Diff’rent Strokes hitting issues like kidnapping, racism and drug use and hitting them HARD. Like Degrassi-grade intensity. If terrifying my lil me was the goal, the Diff’rent Strokes team overachieved. See below the clip from the episode where Kimberly and Arnold get deadass kidnapped. Again, Nick At Nite core memory unlocked.
14. PETER GRIFFIN CONSTANTLY FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS
Family Guy is one of my shows to just have on; doesn’t matter if I’m engaged or not. Peter’s always busting his ass down the home staircase. I also wanted to point out the grand bandstandy Moulin Rougey style steps in the Family Guy intro.
15. CLOWN PANTS DOING HIS BIG ONE IN THE BRONX
Todd Phillips’ lil 2019 Joker character study film allowed Joaquin to eat bon’ appetit…in the weirdest way. Not sure why I went to the movies alone for this one because I was freaked out. The experimental villain origin story shows the monotony of Arthur’s life as he questions his own punk ass reality and purpose. And once he feels grounded in his murderous freak identity, he takes to those BX stairs. These stairs became famous. They’re in the movie poster shot. They’re part of the renowned meme. Psycho clown behavior aka what Arthur does on the subway and finally to Murray (DeNiro) sets off the Gotham riots. Wtf, papa. Refresh your memory at your own risk.
16. STEP BY STEP x NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK
Wedding jam. I mainly came up with BSB and N*Sync but let’s not forget about some notable pop forefathers and their feathered hair. The song title speaks for itself. On another note, I recently popped into a karaoke bar in Williamsburg…to my great fortune, I witnessed a bartender Ben Bratt lookalike body Jordan’s solo hit. It was so funny. The bar was Chino Grande on Grand.
17. WHEN THE MONTEREY MAMI, BONNIE (ZOE KRAV), PUSHED PERRY (MR. SKARSGARD) DOWN THAT FLIGHT OF STEPS OUTSIDE OF THE COSTUME PARTY SCHOOL FUNDRAISER (BIG LIL LIES)
One of the most bugged out villains of all time, Perry Wright aka abusive husband to Celeste (Nicole Kidman) and of course, Jane’s (Shailene Woodley) rapist. Just all around asshole scum. In the season 1 finale, amid a brutal fight outside of a school fundraiser, Zoe Kravitz’s character, Bonnie, knocks his Elvis cosplaying ass down a flight of stairs. He falls to his death. And that’s how you clear a bitch.
18. J.LO, THE HUMAN STAIRCASE AND LOUBOUTINS
My mom and I definitely watched this Loubitins boxing-themed American Music Awards performance live. There’s a genuine wow moment during the number where the dancers become a human stair case for Jennifer to climb. Once at the top, my titi jumps down off a dude’s back, falls and immediately gets back into choreo. Questioned my own eyes but it’s fly girl instinct. Keep your eyes peeled around the 3:00 min mark.
19. HOME ALONE’S WET BANDITS x SLIPPERY STEPS
Probably my favorite holiday movie, Home Alone. A classic. If you’re interested in director’s notes and fun facts, there’s a series on Netflix called The Movies That Made Us. It highlights how production clinched the score, deets about the fake Chicago snow and how the Wet Bandit stuntmen were balls to the wall. Can’t wait to gather around this Christmas and rewatch Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern fall victim to icy staircases and Kevvvvvviiiiiiiin’s booby traps.
20. LOL, THESE?
Um, the Times Square stairs. The red–ya know?
21. THE EXORCIST STEPS IN WASHINGTON D.C
Mayor Bowser declared The Exorcist steps a D.C landmark. I declare the steps a symbol of escaping D.C traffic. Dipping out of Georgetown onto Canal Rd NW to Clara Barton Parkway nearly requires an exorcist. Navigating D.C traffic can feel like a demonic possession but I love it there. In 2015, local film fans raised close to $7,000 to officially commemorate the tourist attraction where Father Damien Karras took a tumble down the steep concrete bad boys in effort to oust the devil up outta him.
22. WANNABE x SPICE GIRLS
All one really wants in life is to slam their body down and wind it all around. And to ultimately what? ZIGAZIG AH! Happy we’re all in agreement. I was and am Scary Spice. This video? Five words. Green- Tank Top-Body Roll. The good good girls tell you what they really really want on the steps. They give you footwork on the stairs before the sporty Mel pops it. I can’t tell you how many times I watched Spice World as a kid. CINEMA! Growing up, I was addicted to going to Krenkel’s after church on the weekends and buying Spice Girl lollipops, all of which came with collectible stickers that I would slap into my official Spice Girls sticker book.
If you made it to the end of this list, congratulations! And love you! I think we care about the same things.
Quickly thinking about a few more memorable stairs situations…like the Rydell bleacher thumper Summer Nights in Grease…or…the basement stairs in Parasite….or the Ascent to the Shrine of the Virgin Guadalupe in Mexico City (My junior year high school Spanish teacher pantomimed her and her husband going up each step and I’ll never forget what her small hands looked like)…or RHOP’s Gizelle Bryant’s hairstylist, Kal, going up ShaSha’s staircase at the S2 crab boil…or the stepping competition judged by Uncle Spike in South Side…
That’s all I can unleash from the ‘STAIRS’ file for now. It’s just about empty. Until next time booty butts! Xo
Miranda