I’ve been laying low with the valuable information pero IT’S TIIIIIIiiiiiiiIIiIiIIIMMMMmmmmeeEEE!!! Let’s dissect and dump what’s been rotting my brain lately….
~ OUR HOUSEHOLD MONTH-LONG BINGE OF THE SOPRANOS ~
We (aka Mike and I) (aka Crumbbutt Offices) survived scumbag central, seasons 1 through 6 of The Sopranos. Prepare yourself. I’m about to say something not so groundbreaking. The show is one of the greatest – so0o damn good.
It’s perfect because all the characters in the Sopranos’ orbit including themselves, are trash iscell. Absolutely lowdown and complicated shitty people voluntarily tethered to a violent subculture…what’s not to love? Tony and Carmela’s toxicity is at the forefront but I don’t feel like sinking my teeth into the expected right now. Iconic boneheads nonetheless. Square French manicures, capris and cold cuts aside, it really makes me wonder…who is the worst of the worst? Who is the biggest scumbag in the series?
I dusted off my lil character rubric, strapped on a Pharrell-size thinking cap and got to work. This is the shit that keeps me up at night. The mental ranking and reranking. Whatever. Here’s the rubric criteria = self-monitoring, ruthlessness, evolution and ~ vibes ~ <3 So, who sucks thee most? Drum roll PUH-LEASE….
The answer is Ralphie Cifaretto!!!! The erratic 69-god with an interesting bobiana. Self-monitoring score…in the friggin dumpster. A negative 69! Ralph recognizes he’s a top earner so he lets his slick mouth fly without any promise of ever shutting the fuck up. Um, he killed a pregnant stripper, basically his stepson and like a horse. Next, his abusive kinky relationship with Janice Soprano throws any chance of evolution or redemption out of the window. And lastly, vibes? Just all around funky woman-hater who thinks he can ball out of control. Ralphie in 4! Clean sweep. ‘Come on, a little fuckin defense, no?????’
Joe Pantoliano’s Ralphie haunts me and for that, he takes the cake. However, I like to show my work, below’s how I arrived at Ralph. Read it and weep. These 4 really brought the brooms out. Of course, Ralph exceeding all expectations.
Tons of embarrassing neck brace energy here, I know. Nothing too surprising though. The usual annoying ass suspects. With Ralphie out of the way – let’s slide over to our runner up.
Phil Leotardo, definition of doing too much. He spends twenty years in the can and comes out an absolute menace, committed to terrorizing the DiMeo/Soprano fams. And when Johnny Sack goes to jail and subsequently the hospital, Tony’s left to reason with Phil. It’s an impossible task because he’s pressed to avenge his brother’s death. The man’s Tony’s #1 headache beyond the feds. And in the end, Phil’s demise? Definitely the most satisfying. Seeeee ya!
Here’s a crossover that’s slightly alarming but emanates the same energy. Reminder: the image below is not of Frank Vincent (Phil Leotardo), Italian-American mob actor. This is Carl Radke, Summer House Bravolebrity and all-around romantic hazard. Something is strikingly similar between the two.
Aaaahhh, Christopher. The family flop. He’s a scorned junkie with Hollywood dreams. Loyal, reliable and kinda boring. Always left to clean up the mess – a tough balancing act with a heroin addiction. Crippling journey but who are you without the drugs, boy boy?
He couldn’t quite figure it out for himself, leaving his surrounding family to pick up his pieces. Cleaver’s EP had a baby girl and still couldn’t get his shit together. Great gowns, beautiful gowns (track suits) but what a really sad tale. Smh.
Rounding out this rubric…Janice Soprano – the selfish sister, Meadow and AJ’s tit-tatted zia. I’ll have you know that I understand that Zia means auntie in Italian because I watch RHONJ. Anyway, Tony harbors great resentment toward Janice for dipping out on their family to chase her own spiritual awakening as Parvati, leaving Tony with their toxic mom.
She eventually pops Richie Aprile, a homophobic loose canon, steals a Russian housekeeper’s prosthetic leg in exchange for her dead mother’s vinyls, becomes a born-again Christian singer, has an affair with Ralphie, moves in on Bobby Bacala and torments his kids after their mother’s unexpected passing. The lady’s a thirsty demon who of course, slithers her way into a neck brace. Tony can not bear to see her feign happiness because he knows at her core, miss mamas is arguably more miserable than him. We must applaud because at the end of the day…
This show changed my life. There was my world before watching The Sopranos and there’s my world now. The finale is polarizing; I thought it was perfect. Six seasons of poor decision making has made ME a better woman, baby.
Until next time. LOVEEEEEEE! <333333